Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
