You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
