so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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