just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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