I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
