so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
