I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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