you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
