Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
