shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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