he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
