i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
