watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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