i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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