I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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