when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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