The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize