And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
