my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
