Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
