Umm I'm too high to move.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
