I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
