Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you traded sex for a burrito?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
