My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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