You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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