Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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