Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
