i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Randomize
