I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
