I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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