all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
