you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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