i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
