i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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