Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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