I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
