you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
