If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
