I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
