I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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