Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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