I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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