how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
