U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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