dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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