bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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