I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
