Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
