Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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