How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
