i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
