Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
