So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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