did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
