the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
