So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
